Bob Rivers - The Twelve Pains of Christmas Lyrics
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    The Twelve Pains of Christmas

    The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
    Is finding a Christmas tree

    The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    [Angry husband]
    Rigging up the lights
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
    [Man getting over being drunk]
    Hangovers
    Rigging up the lights
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
    [Exhausted man]
    Sending Christmas cards
    Hangovers
    Rigging up the lights
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
    [Choir]
    Five months of bills!
    Sending Christmas cards
    Hangovers
    Rigging up the lights
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    [Nervous wife]
    Facing my in-laws
    Five months of bills!
    Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
    Hangovers
    Rigging up these lights!
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    [Nervous wife's husband]
    The Salvation Army
    Facing my in-laws
    Five months of bills!
    Sending Christmas cards
    Oh, geez!
    I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
    [Whining kid]
    I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
    Charities
    And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?
    Five months of bills!
    Oh, making out these cards
    Honey, get me a beer, huh?
    What, we have no extension cords?!?
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
    [A tired father]
    Finding parking spaces
    DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
    Donations!
    Facing my in-laws
    Five months of bills!
    Writing out those Christmas cards
    Hangovers!
    Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    [A mother]
    "Batteries Not Included"
    No parking spaces
    BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!
    Get a job, ya bum!
    Oh, facing my in-laws!
    Five months of bills!
    Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
    Oh, geez, look at this!
    One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    [A male couch potato]
    Stale TV specials
    "Batteries Not Included"
    No parking spaces
    DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
    Charities!
    She's a witch...I hate her!
    Five months of bills!
    Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
    Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?
    Get a flashlight...I blew a fuse!!
    And finding a Christmas tree

    The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    [Two men]
    Singing Christmas carols
    Stale TV specials
    "Batteries Not Included"
    No parking?!?
    WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!
    Charities!
    Gotta make 'em dinner!
    Five months of bills!
    I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!
    Shut up, you!
    FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
    And finding a Christmas tree

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